we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize