walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
ttyl tear gas
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize