I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
