I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
