I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
