I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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