She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Randomize
