So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I didn't notice because vodka
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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