i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize