I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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