There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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