i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
