She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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