I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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