this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
