I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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