The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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