Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
