This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
