Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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