I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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