One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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