Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
