I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
