She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
