I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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