i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
