@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize