you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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