Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
