I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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