What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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