checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize