Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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