his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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