don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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