Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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