my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
