my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
