It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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