Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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