plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
God, I missed his penis.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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