Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
