You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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