I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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