I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize