I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
