you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
