So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize