The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he shaved USA in his pubs
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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