Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize