you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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