Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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