I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
