you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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