recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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