I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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