So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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