I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
