My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize