made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize