I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
