The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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