This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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