did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize